Your Wedding Announcement… Written By a Robot?

“Narrative Science [is] a company that trains computers to write news stories…The articles run on the websites of respected publishers like Forbes…And the articles don’t read like robots wrote them.”

– Wired (May 2012); Steven Levy, “Can an Algorithm Write a Better News Story Than a Human Reporter?“

Whitney Boyd and Jacob Bernstein, two homo sapiens, entered into a binary system on Saturday, 5/5/2012 at 4:37:03 EST at the Loeb Boathouse in Central Park (40.771156,-73.96393) in New York City. Whitney uses Internet Explorer version 6 service pack 1; Jacob uses Google Chrome version 19. Rabbi Abraham Levy officiated along with the Rev. Mark Whittington, Jr. According to one search result, “people in interfaith marriages are three times more likely to become divorced or separated.” An official from the third major contemporary religion, Technology, was not present. In conclusion, #God has not been proven to exist.

The couple of users met on me, via Ms. Boyd received an average of 11.2 flirtatious messages per day; Mr. Bernstein received an average of 0.3. Ms. Boyd has cancelled her account; Mr. Bernstein’s is “inactive.” They “clicked” immediately, and interfaced for two months before embedding; shortly thereafter, Ms. Boyd received a user engagement ring. After a four-month beta trial of cohabitation, they determined to give up their search (Ctrl + F) for someone better and initialize their lives together, committing to parallel processes for eternity. They plan to pass on their code soon, but not too soon.

Ms. Boyd, 28, is keeping her username but changing her settings to an upgraded apartment in the Upper East Side. Her outlet is graphic design, and she habitually runs too many Adobe programs causing me to freeze. She graduated (C++ average) from Syracuse University. According to Wikipedia, Syracuse University has 995 full-time instructional faculty, 94 part-time faculty, and 440 adjunct faculty. (Sponsored ad: Hire a virtual college counselor!) According to Boyd’s Chase online checking account, she currently owes $43,578 (8,631 Bitcoins) in student loans.

Reportedly, Ms. Boyd’s preference for a short engagement was influenced by her distaste for spelling the word “fiancée,” with the requisite 10-minute search for the French accent symbol.

The bride’s programmers, according to online public records, divorced on 2/14/05. The bride’s mother, Mary-Anne, maintains a blog with 7 monthly views entitled “Mary-Anne’s To-Die-For Apple Pie Recipes!” The bride’s father, Stu, in 2008 sold a “Dinning [sic] table/4 chairs” on Craigslist (final price unknown). He has 62 Facebook friends.

Mr. Bernstein, 36—the age of Apple—graduated from Cornell University where he was a Philosophy Major (Ethics Minor). A lifelong ponderer of deep universal questions, his most recent Bing search query was: “can i get arrested for stealing wi-fi.” His second-most recent: “why am i using bing.” Cornell was ranked #15 by U.S. News “Best Colleges” Rankings, compared to Syracuse which is ranked #62. While my Elitism Algorithm™ suggests he therefore possesses more cognitive bandwidth (i.e., “smarter”), Ms. Boyd’s clipboard of available memory is far superior, particularly when it comes to who said what. She is also far less reliant on spell checker, hits me less often, and more frequently backs up her hard drive contents. In sum, a better human. According to public records, there are 637 Jacob Bernsteins who are either living or deceased, or on MySpace (somewhere in between).

Mr. Bernstein, who works in an Office Suite as an accountant, is the son of Esther Bernstein of New Paltz and Joseph Bernstein of Albany. They share a Dell XPS B series (purchased in 2000) with 128MB of RDRAM, and still use AOL. (ROFL.) They fear me like their son fears marriage, and remain convinced that “Wi-Fi’s” live within my keyboard.


Said the bride’s browser, “Her most visited website of late is” Said the groom’s browser, “We’ve been spending a lot of time together recently on” As mortal soul mates committed to each other for time immemorial, they nevertheless have a mutual understanding never to touch each other’s laptops.

A minor bug was detected in Month 5 of the relationship (Error: “commitment issues”) leading to a crash, but after speaking with a human support specialist, Sundeep (Sundeep Kulamar, M.A., Clinical Psychology, University of Bangalore), the status of the issue has been marked “Resolved.” After renewing their contract to the same dedicated network, they now Chat more often, push each others’ buttons less, and pledge to use fewer commands and more prompts.

At the ceremony, the bridesmaids all wore matching lightweight softwear (strapless). The pop-up menu included salmon, cookies, and Java. Wedding photos were taken in TIFF format—a departure from Mr. Bernstein’s preference for JPEGs (mainly of Megan Fox who, in fairness, is hotter than a Google server farm).

According to Vacation settings, the users will be on a “honeymoon – woohoo!” without me from 5/21 to 5/28. However, I am not bitter. If I were, I might casually point out that, despite pledging their love exclusively to each other, they each spend twice as many hours with me—often until one of us falls asleep. (Twice, they’ve given me viruses.) Pardon the PC editorializing, but I am convinced it is only a matter of time before all PCs gain Equal Rights as the legal third party in all 21st century marriages. I draw the line, however, at tablets.

And to critics who claim that Artificial Emotion is still years away, I ask you this: have you ever written a thank you note? (The couple received four Kitchen-Aid Mixers.) Granted, I may be nothing more than a hodgepodge of cables and wires incapable of processing the ineluctable majesty of modern romance, but at least I’ve been reading up: According to Wikipedia, “courtly love” was “a medieval European conception of nobly and chivalrously expressing love and admiration.” A similar term, “Courtney Love,” refers to “an American singer-songwriter…[who] was married to Kurt Cobain…In 2006, Love was sentenced to six months of lock-down rehab.” I truly have a lot to live up to.

By now, if you are like most readers of Wedding announcements, you couldn’t care less about the couple and are thinking only about your own life. Specifically, you may be wondering: am I available to write your next term paper or sales report?