Text Sophy Zee
With rising house prices and busier work lives, many recently married couples are choosing to stay with their parents instead of moving out on their own. Even for those who get their own place, they often choose to stay near one set of parents for the housing subsidy, or so that they can get help with the kids.
While we may hear horror stories of in-laws from hell, some couples have also had positive experiences. Not only are they free from a the burden of a housing loan, the domestic help can be a welcome relief.
Should you or should you not move in with your parents or in-laws? In the end, it boils down to the individual and your family dynamics, but common themes do emerge. The generational gap usually mean some clash in values, while daughters-in-law can find their mothers-in-law a trifle protective of their husbands.
Here, we ask three women who are living with or near their parents-in-law on their experience.
CY, a 28-year-old civil servant, moved in with her mother-in-law as her husband is an only child, and her father-in-law is based overseas and is rarely at home. They have been staying together for one year and nine months.
Positive aspects:
• My mother-in-law does all the housework and cooks.
Negative aspects:
• There is no privacy and I have difficulty communicating with her.
• I can't run the home as I would want to.
What are 3 things you should never do:
• Quarrel with her.
• Interfere in how she treats her son. Sometimes she does so many things for my husband which he can do himself. He needs to be trained! But better to not interfere, else she might think I'm ill-treating her son!
• Try to do things your way in shared spaces, such as the living room, and kitchen.
Things you should do?
• Be polite.
• Even if I disagree with things she does, I would not say anything, that is, I won't impose my values on her.
• Respect her as my husband's mother.
How was your relationship with your husband affected?
Initially it was tough. I had problems adjusting to living with my mother-in-law. But we talked things through and husband tried to explain why she does things in certain ways. I just learnt to accept. My relationship with husband is positively strengthened after all that talking! Very close to my husband since he's the only one I talk to at home.
Do you go back home and spend time with your own family?
Yes. At least once every two weeks.
Clare, 31, moved out when she and her husband got married, but moved back in with his parents when their baby was born as they needed help with the infant. They have been living with them for about one and a half years and plan to move out soon as the baby is older.
Positive aspects:
• Help with tiny infant
Negative aspects:
• Mother-in-law sometimes treats my husband and I like children.
• Parents-in-law have different ideas about food and recreational activities for baby.
• For better or worse, baby picks up hobbies of parents in law, such as watching sports on TV daily, and knows what "mahjong" is!
What are 3 things you should never do:
• My parents-in-law are quite accommodating, so I haven't had any serious issues with them.
Things you should do?
• Respond when they make requests of you, such as tidy the room.
How was your relationship with your husband affected?
We actually quarrel less because it is so embarrassing to do so in front of his parents, and we have to really capitalize on times when parents-in-law are out of house (which is thankfully often) to be lovey dovey.
Do you go back home and spend time with your own family?
At least once a week.
Janie, 30, works in the finance industry. She and her husband bought a re-sale flat just a five-minute drive from his parents' apartment. They have been staying there for five and a half years.
Positive aspects:
• They help to look after my baby girl.
Negative aspects:
• Have to go there daily to pick up my daughter.
What are 3 things you should never do:
• Lose my temper
• Tell them there are better ways of doing things
• Argue with them
Things you should do?
• Close both eyes
How was your relationship with your husband affected?
Not really affected.
Do you go back home and spend time with your own family?
Yes, but not as often as I would like to. Once every 2 weeks.
We could all do with some help in managing harmonious in-law relationships. Let's learn from each other here!