Text Sophy Zee
How do we decide who we would marry? Perhaps it just seemed “right”, or it was just the “right time”; almost all of us cite love. For most of us it’s not a science, but some researchers in the US have done a study on this (why are we not surprised).
The study confirmed that we rank love (or what they call “mutual attraction and love”) first, but other factors are important too.
Interestingly, this is a survey they’ve done since the 1930s, and it clearly shows how priorities have changed over just three generations.
In the past, men ranked chastity (#10 in 1939) as more important than education and intelligence in a woman; now, both sexes rank chastity last.
And the number 1 on the list for both men and women – mutual attraction and love – did not even make the top three when the survey was first started. Around the 1980s, it became the number one priority and remains so today.
For men, financial prospect and ambition has moved up, while for women, these are no longer the most important traits (although still high on their list).
Of course, this is a survey, and we all have our individual differences, but it can help us take a look at ourselves, and ask what are the things we value in our partners, and whether we ourselves are ready to take that big step!
(The study was conducted by sociologists Christine B. Whelan at the University of Pittsburgh and Christie F. Boxer at the University of Iowa, and was reported on Forbes.com)
What men want in a wife (2008)
#10 Ambition and industriousness
#9 Desire for home and children
#8 Good looks
#7 Good health
#6 Sociability
#5 Pleasing disposition
#4 Education and intelligence
#3 Emotional stability and maturity
#2 Dependable character
#1 Mutual attraction and love
What men want in a wife (1967)
#10 Education and intelligence
#9 Good health
#8 Ambition and industriousness
#7 Refinement and neatness
#6 Good cook, housekeeper
#5 Desire for home and children
#4 Pleasing disposition
#3 Emotional stability and maturity
#2 Mutual attraction and love
#1 Dependable character
What men want in a wife (1939)
#10 Chastity
#9 Ambition and industriousness
#8 Good cook, housekeeper
#7 Refinement, neatness
#6 Desire for home and children
#5 Good health
#4 Mutual attraction and love
#3 Pleasing disposition
#2 Emotional stability and maturity
#1 Dependable character
What women want in a husband (2008)
#10 A good financial prospect
#9 Good health
#8 Ambition and industriousness
#7 Pleasing disposition
#6 Sociability
#5 Education and intelligence
#4 Desire for home and children
#3 Emotional stability and maturity
#2 Dependable character
#1 Mutual attraction and love
What women want in a husband (1967)
#10 Good health
#9 Similar education background
#8 Refinement, neatness
#7 Education and intelligence
#6 Ambition and industriousness
#5 Desire for home and children
#4 Pleasing disposition
#3 Mutual attraction and love
#2 Dependable character
#1 Emotional stability and maturity
What women want in a husband (1939)
#10 Chastity
#9 Education and intelligence
#8 Refinement, neatness
#7 Desire for home and children
#6 Good health
#5 Mutual attraction and love
#4 Pleasing disposition
#3 Ambition and industriousness
#2 Dependable character
#1 Emotional stability and maturity
Ostensibly absent from the men’s current list is “good cook, housekeeper” – but as this study was done in America, I’m not sure how true this would be for Singapore. While it’s not as important as it was in the past, I’ve met some pretty conventional guys out there, have you (or are you one of them)?
Education and intelligence is ranked very much higher now, and seems about equally important for both men and women. This is probably because both partners now see a marriage partner as an equal companion, whereas in the past, they are more likely to have different social circles and interests. For possibly the same reason, sociability has increased in importance as well.
One predictable difference is that men ranked “good looks” more highly than women did, but let’s not jump to the conclusion that men are more superficial! Although it didn’t make the top ten for women, it has apparently climbed in importance for women over the years. Also, men ranked it lower than many other things at number 8.
As for the tired cliché of women marrying for money, yes, it’s partly true! Because the one trait that made the women’s list and not the men’s is “A good financial prospect”.
But being “a good financial prospect” has also increased in importance for men as they now seek an equal partner in sharing the financial burdens of setting up a family. While it still doesn’t make the top ten, it has jumped from 17th in 1939 to 12th in 2008.
Overall, the survey also reflects changing societal norms as both men and women appear to value education and intelligence, good looks, sociability and financial prospects more than in the past.
The other major difference between men and women is that women think “desire for home and children” much more important than men. Perhaps women do crave for children and a family more than men do.
To me, the most interesting aspect of the list is that the most important traits to both men and women are exactly the same – love, dependable character and emotional stability and maturity.
Other than love, having a dependable character and being emotionally mature has consistently been ranked as the most important throughout the time the study was conducted.
We can see that the list is made up in equal parts of what we want in a romantic companion, and a good partner to share your home, finances, children and life with.
“Dependable character” speaks of trust in a relationship, while “emotional stability and maturity” is indicative of how ready we are to take on the added responsibilities of marriage.
While the emphasis has shifted to love over the years, I think it is true that there has to be more to sustain a lasting and happy marriage.
What do you look out for in a partner? Have we missed out any traits that you think are important? Share with us on our forum.